Thursday, April 19, 2012


Leading up to today I really wasn't feeling much at all.  It's hard to believe it's been two years since I saw my mom.  I don't like that it's already been that long.  Looking at my sister Joelle's blog post this morning, I could do nothing but cry-something I haven't done in a really long time.  It feels good to cry about my mom.  But it made me really sad too and miss her so much.  I don't really even know what else to say today.  I just wish she was here.  I would do anything for that.  My dad and my sisters and I are all really strong.  I am so proud of that.  But today we don't have to be.  Today it is ok to cry, remember her and miss her.   We will never forget that day and will think about her every day until we can see her again in Heaven.  I am so thankful for so many happy years with my mom.  These pictures are just a glance at all the fun she always was.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Restored in Heaven

I've been wanting to blog for a long time, but always feel like I don't have anything concrete to say.  This time of year brings a ton of emotions.  My whole life I have looked forward to spring and the new beauty and feeling of fresh things all around.  But this has changed in the last two years.  I look forward to getting through it.  And this year that is all I am trying to do.  With Adam working 7 nights a week, it's not making this time any easier for me.  I reflect on what we were doing two years ago.  Driving down to the University Hospital in anticipation of bringing mom home.  Then bringing her home on my birthday.  It was ironic because Lisa and I were born at University Hospital exactly 24 years to the day that we would bring my mom home from that very same hospital. 

I am missing my mom so much right now.  She was always there for me when nobody else could be.  We spent so much time together and I am really feeling that void right now, while Adam is working all the time and it's just me and Almira at home.  I am thankful I have Almira and a new baby due in October :)  But that is wearing my down as well.  I am thankful I have my sisters, but as much as we want to be there for each other, it is so hard because we are all so busy with our kids and just getting through this time too. 

I've just been feeling really defeated and depleated this week.  I was reminded in church to set my focus on the Lord.  Not the tasks I have to get done, not my goals for myself, but just focus on Him.  The easy road is not always the right road.  He will not give me anything I cannot handle.  I have to remember this!

On a lighter note, this week is the week before Easter.  Today is Palm Sunday.  I really enjoy this week!  I am determined to make it good and remember what this week is all about.  I instantly think of my mom being restored in Heaven.  And the promise that we too, will be restored in Heaven.  If it wasn't for Jesus dying on the cross, she would not be in Heaven as beautiful as I know she is.  I have seen her a couple times in my dreams lately.  She is always radiant and her eyes are the bluest blue you could imagine.  She is usually in bright white.  I love to think of her this way.

Jesus Calling, April 1st
I am calling you to a life of constant communion with me.  Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life.  You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted.  But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world.  Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.
Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings.  Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me.  A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day.  Do not let your to-do list become an idol directing your life.  Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What have I been doing?

Well...that's a good question!  I don't even know what I've been doing.  I guess a whole lot of nothing since the holidays and vacations are over.  I am disappointed in myself for not blogging since before Thanksgiving.  I guess I've been enjoying my time at home.  Just trying to get through this Winter really.  We did have a very nice Christmas and awesome vacation in Maui.  However, since we've been back I have had little motivation to do anything.  I really enjoy working the three days a week I work and love being home the rest...but I'm sure lacking motivation to do anything else. 

I feel pretty stuck lately when I think about the grieving process and losing my mom.  I don't think I've really moved forward in a long time.  It's just easy to keep doing what I'm doing and everyone else seems to do the same.  But I think that's why I haven't had much motivation.  It's almost been harder this second year without her.  Everyone just goes on doing their thing, but I don't feel like I can.  The first year I had to be so tough in order to get through all the "firsts".  But now, I feel like it really has hit that she's not coming back and it is time to move forward. That's almost harder to face.  Julie and I are going to our church's women's retreat in a couple weeks and I am really looking forward to it.  I think it will be good to be around other women of faith who are struggling with every day things and also learn how they get through the hard things.  I will try to blog a lot more than I have been.  I have to go all the way back to Almira's birthday, through Christmas and it will take some time.  I never know how to end my blogs so I always look in my Jesus Calling book.  Today's couldn't have related any more.  Isn't that neat?

January 31 "Jesus Calling"
I am your strength and shield.  I plan out each day and have it ready for you, long before you arise from bed.  I also provide the strength you need each step of the way.  Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what's on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Me.  My power flows freely into you through our open communication.  Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare.
Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am your shield.  But unlike inanimate armor, I am always alert and active.  My presence watches over you continually, protecting you from both known and unknown dangers.  Entrust yourself to My watchcare, which is the best security system available.  I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.