Today

Leading up to today I really wasn't feeling much at all.  It's hard to believe it's been two years since I saw my mom.  I don't like that it's already been that long.  Looking at my sister Joelle's blog post this morning, I could do nothing but cry-something I haven't done in a really long time.  It feels good to cry about my mom.  But it made me really sad too and miss her so much.  I don't really even know what else to say today.  I just wish she was here.  I would do anything for that.  My dad and my sisters and I are all really strong.  I am so proud of that.  But today we don't have to be.  Today it is ok to cry, remember her and miss her.   We will never forget that day and will think about her every day until we can see her again in Heaven.  I am so thankful for so many happy years with my mom.  These pictures are just a glance at all the fun she always was.

Restored in Heaven

I've been wanting to blog for a long time, but always feel like I don't have anything concrete to say.  This time of year brings a ton of emotions.  My whole life I have looked forward to spring and the new beauty and feeling of fresh things all around.  But this has changed in the last two years.  I look forward to getting through it.  And this year that is all I am trying to do.  With Adam working 7 nights a week, it's not making this time any easier for me.  I reflect on what we were doing two years ago.  Driving down to the University Hospital in anticipation of bringing mom home.  Then bringing her home on my birthday.  It was ironic because Lisa and I were born at University Hospital exactly 24 years to the day that we would bring my mom home from that very same hospital. 

I am missing my mom so much right now.  She was always there for me when nobody else could be.  We spent so much time together and I am really feeling that void right now, while Adam is working all the time and it's just me and Almira at home.  I am thankful I have Almira and a new baby due in October :)  But that is wearing my down as well.  I am thankful I have my sisters, but as much as we want to be there for each other, it is so hard because we are all so busy with our kids and just getting through this time too. 

I've just been feeling really defeated and depleated this week.  I was reminded in church to set my focus on the Lord.  Not the tasks I have to get done, not my goals for myself, but just focus on Him.  The easy road is not always the right road.  He will not give me anything I cannot handle.  I have to remember this!

On a lighter note, this week is the week before Easter.  Today is Palm Sunday.  I really enjoy this week!  I am determined to make it good and remember what this week is all about.  I instantly think of my mom being restored in Heaven.  And the promise that we too, will be restored in Heaven.  If it wasn't for Jesus dying on the cross, she would not be in Heaven as beautiful as I know she is.  I have seen her a couple times in my dreams lately.  She is always radiant and her eyes are the bluest blue you could imagine.  She is usually in bright white.  I love to think of her this way.

Jesus Calling, April 1st
I am calling you to a life of constant communion with me.  Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life.  You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted.  But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world.  Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.
Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings.  Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me.  A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day.  Do not let your to-do list become an idol directing your life.  Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me.

What have I been doing?

Well...that's a good question!  I don't even know what I've been doing.  I guess a whole lot of nothing since the holidays and vacations are over.  I am disappointed in myself for not blogging since before Thanksgiving.  I guess I've been enjoying my time at home.  Just trying to get through this Winter really.  We did have a very nice Christmas and awesome vacation in Maui.  However, since we've been back I have had little motivation to do anything.  I really enjoy working the three days a week I work and love being home the rest...but I'm sure lacking motivation to do anything else. 

I feel pretty stuck lately when I think about the grieving process and losing my mom.  I don't think I've really moved forward in a long time.  It's just easy to keep doing what I'm doing and everyone else seems to do the same.  But I think that's why I haven't had much motivation.  It's almost been harder this second year without her.  Everyone just goes on doing their thing, but I don't feel like I can.  The first year I had to be so tough in order to get through all the "firsts".  But now, I feel like it really has hit that she's not coming back and it is time to move forward. That's almost harder to face.  Julie and I are going to our church's women's retreat in a couple weeks and I am really looking forward to it.  I think it will be good to be around other women of faith who are struggling with every day things and also learn how they get through the hard things.  I will try to blog a lot more than I have been.  I have to go all the way back to Almira's birthday, through Christmas and Hawaii...so it will take some time.  I never know how to end my blogs so I always look in my Jesus Calling book.  Today's couldn't have related any more.  Isn't that neat?

January 31 "Jesus Calling"
I am your strength and shield.  I plan out each day and have it ready for you, long before you arise from bed.  I also provide the strength you need each step of the way.  Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what's on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Me.  My power flows freely into you through our open communication.  Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare.
Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am your shield.  But unlike inanimate armor, I am always alert and active.  My presence watches over you continually, protecting you from both known and unknown dangers.  Entrust yourself to My watchcare, which is the best security system available.  I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.

Getting over it...and being Thankful!

I've been feeling really blah lately.  I don't even really know why...  I haven't felt any inspiration to blog or do much of anything to be honest.  So today I decided it was time to get over it.  Rather than feeling this way, I decided I'd be much happier if I at least tried to do something productive.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a major slob or let things get too unruley, but I just haven't wanted to do much more than what has had to be done lately.

I started with getting the house cleaned up.  Joelle mentioned I might feel better if I get my Christmas decorations out.  I don't have a whole lot, but I hauled out what I have and put things around.  It'll be much better once we get our tree, but I refuse to get a fake, so we will have to wait a little longer so our real one doesn't die before Christmas.  Little by little I started feeling more motivated.

I came across the Christmas paper I had every intention of hand making Christmas cards with last year and thought I could do something with it.  I know better than to attempt to make 50 or so handmade cards this year!  I found some frames, took out the pictures (only until after christmas though) and put the paper in them.  And...tada!

This simple craft helped me totally get in the Christmas spirit.  Even though we haven't even gotten through Thanksgiving.  I know the reason I am feeling blah is because I have to work Thanksgiving, so I think part of me kind of put that out of my mind and am skipping Thanksgiving and moving right on to Christmas!

However, I am still so Thankful for everything I have been blessed with again this year.  In our service yesterday, the message was about finding Peace.  Peace can only be found through God.  You cannot find it on your own, and in fact trying to will only make it harder.  I am really trying to remember that this season.  There are so many things that are out of my control and I cannot force anything.  I can only continue to pray that God will give me the strength to keep on going and hopefully share Him along the way.  I pray for a lot people this season, that they may find the Peace that only God can give.  So take time and look to Him.  You will be thankful you did.

End of Summer and a New Chapter

I just looked back and realized how long it really has been since my last post.  We had a whole summer since then, kinda.  We went to Lake Roosevelt with Lisa and Corey and the kids and Michelle and Peter.  It was so nice and relaxing.  The weather was great the whole time and the kids had so much fun playing together.  Almira is in love with Ryan and Finn and loves following them around doing everything they do.

I already can't wait for next summer.  I really hope we are able to go again.  We are so lucky.

So after going through pictures to remember what we did, I realized that we were pretty busy.  We had a bachelorette party for Becca in Whistler, and then Kaitlyn and Dan's wedding and Becca and Cole's wedding.  It was so fun to spend all this time with my friends.  We have a pretty unique/fun group of friends.  It's always a blast when we're all together.

We were also able to spend a night with my family on my dad's side.  There's about 12 kids between us cousins, with more on the way.  So it gets pretty crazy now when we do these things.  We are so blessed to all have kids around the same age, just the way we grew up.  They loved their ice cream cones!

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So after a busy end to summer, we've been winding down by spending more time at home.  We celebrated Adam's birthday this weekend with a salmon bbq with family and friends. 

I am able to blog on a Monday morning because I finally made the decision to quit my job with SSK so I could spend some much needed time with Almira.  I was able to get a job waitressing at The Reserve (Homestead) three days a week.  It's a wondeful schedule so far!  I get off at 2, so I am able to have dinner ready by a decent time and don't feel as rushed as I did working full time.  This came after taking a leap of faith and trusting that this was the path God was leading me down.  I felt like I just let go and let God do His thing.  I am so happy that things worked out this way.  We can truly be happy when we let God do the things He has planned for us.  I have been trying to just let things happen instead of planning and trying to map everything out.  If there's one thing I've learned in the last year or so, is that nothing is in my control.  Things are going to happen, good or bad, but as longs I trust that God's plan is perfect I will not feel out of control.

Jesus Calling, September 9th

Walk with Me along paths of trust.  The most direct route between point A and point B on your life-journey is the path of unwavering trust in Me.  When your faith falters, you choose a trail that meanders and takes you well out of your way.  you will get to point B eventually, but you will have lost precious time and energy.  As soon as you realize you have wandered from your trust-path, look to Me and whisper, "I trust You, Jesus."  This affirmation will help you get back on track.

The farther you roam along paths of unbelieve, the harder it is to remember that I am with you.  Anxious thoughts branch off in all directions, taking you farther and farther from awareness of My presence.  You need to voice your trust in Me requently.  This simple act of faith will keep you walking along straight paths with Me.  Trust in me with all your heart and I will make your paths straight.

Waiting for Summer

I'm sure I'm not the only one waiting for Summer to arrive.  I think I've spent the only few nice days inside.  Nonetheless, we've still been able to enjoy it.  Life has been busy with random things.  Nothing inparticular and mostly things we WANT to do, which is nice!  It's been forever so this could get long since I'm going all the way back to Memorial Weekend.  We were able to go to Lake Roosevelt with half of the family.  It was really nice and relaxing.  We had a lot of fun and can't wait to go back the end of this month for a mini vacation!

Adam can't sit still (ever!) so he built this bench.



Hopefully next time I'll actually get a tan!


A weekend later, Julie and I went down to Seattle for the annual Race for the Cure with the VanDiest women.  We decided to run and walk it this year.  So we ran our first 5K after a couple weeks of training.  I was really proud of us!  We have stuck with running and plan on doing the 5k Fun Run at the Razz fest this weekend.



Before (I was so nervous!)

 

After (I felt great!)


 

We've also just been spending time around home.  Adam's been working really hard on our garden.  It looks great and his bean poles are a work of art!  I can't wait until we get some good veggies!  He did a couple side jobs and we've both been working.  We are so blessed with the jobs we have.  I just wish I could work less and spend more time being a mom!  This weighs heavy on my heart and mind every day.  I just keep praying that God will give me the direction I need to be in (and I will listen!). 

Ruger got a haircut!

She loves Apple Jacks :)

We got a new Niece/Cousin sweet Noah!

We went to the River for Father's Day

Eating strawberries from our yard! (plus feeding them to Ruger)

My most favorite roses from our yard!  I dont know why they remind me of my mom.

Almira and Daddy at the Park

Almira and Mommy at the Park

Being silly!

Flower Bunco

Pirate Bunco (being pirates)

Playing outside.  She loves her boots, but always falls and skins her knees :( (see the bean poles)

 Eventhough we've all been busy doing our own things this summer.  My sisters and I went shopping at Alderwood last Saturday.  We very rarely get together anymore, especially without our kids.  This is something we used to do with our mom and it was so nice to get away.  We had a nice cocktail lunch and then did a little shopping.  I bought Almira her first box of color crayons and oh my goodness, I didn't expect her to be so happy about them.  This is all she's been doing all week.  I love it!


She loves her chair pulled up to the coffee table.



Coloring so good!



Cheese! This girl knows when the camera is out!



It's much easier to explain everything we've been doing in pictures.  I've been feeling pretty good for the most part.  We are anticipating this Sunday as we will become members of our church and Almira and Adam will get baptized together.  I am so anxious for this!  We don't love getting up in front of people but what better reason!  I wish so badly that my mom could share this day with us.  I wish it was something we could have done when she was here.  But I honestly don't think I would have been at this point in my life if things didn't happen this way.  I've had to put a lot of faith in God in the last year and have grown so much because of everything that has happened.  I know my mom would be so proud of that and that gives me comfort. 

I looked ahead a day in my Jesus Calling book, but I am so glad I did so I could share it with you.

July 14 Jesus Calling

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you.  Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart.  I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you.  together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain.  The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak.  Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy.  All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strenth and direction.  Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparking surprises just around the bend.  Stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is truly the path of Life.